I have been holding my breath for nearly a month now.  Just when I thought I could breathe daughter decides she has been ignored long enough.  So the day before wayward son moves in to his new supervised apartment, daughter tests my promise to put her in a hospital if she continues her dangerous (to herself) behavior.  True to my word, her father and I stay up all night watching her and I admit her to the hospital on Monday.  She may be released on Tuesday of next week.  She seems to want to continue to test our limits as she has had at least one incident each day she has been there, albeit minor incidents.  That will teach us to pay more attention to wayward son than her.

In the meantime wayward son has moved in to the apartment, seen his psychiatrist for the first time since April and is now back on at least one of his meds voluntarily.  Unless he has gotten better at pulling the wool over my eyes the last week has been nothing short of miraculous with his attitude and reasoning.  I may just continue to hold my breath until we see if he means what he says.  He still needs a job but is happy at the apartment and is anxious to start working again and still maintain a relationship with us. 

And just for good measure, middle son decides to pull one of his “accidents waiting to happen” and fall and land on his elbow.  That was a trip to the ER.  He decided to have pity on me and it is just bruised and he only had to wear a sling for two days.

All this amidst much change and growth at work and mandatory hours to learn new software and programming to set up a whole new internet architecture.  Fun times I tell ya.

Oldest has called twice since he checked himself out of the therapeutic foster home. He says he regrets what he has done. I was very calm with him and non-accusatory and gave him information that will help him get in touch with the people who can help him. I’m sure he’s waiting for me to say come home, but I can’t won’t do that. He has spurned our attempts to help him too many times and I won’t fall in to that trap again. I will be there for him to give guidance, but I will not step in and “rescue” him. He needs to learn that his actions have consequences and that he is responsible for his own actions. Sounds harsh, I know, but bailing him out every time he makes mistakes won’t teach him anything except that he can continue to make mistakes and not learn from them.

I continue to pray for his safety and well being.

Oldest has decided he does not need to be in the therapeutic program he’s been in for a while anymore. He’s 18 and has about 3 weeks of school left at an alternative school he has been attending for the last 2 years. He has not lived with us for those 2 years but up until 4 months ago came home on weekends and called weekly. He’s apparently now staying with his 16 year old girlfriend, whom we did not know about and have never met, and her mother. From what I understand the mother took him to school yesterday and he does plan on finishing school, which is a relief. As I said, he’s 18 and he feels that he does not have to stay in touch with us or let us know how he is doing. The only reason I know about what is going on is that the place he was staying before he discharged himself called me to let me know. They also had been keeping me out of the loop of his life since he turned 18 until now. He effectively blew his free ride to a trade school. I don’t know what he will do now. He is very capable with his hands and when he likes what he is doing and gets to do things he wants without being “bossed” he’s a very hard worker. I’m just not sure that he can hold a job for long the way he views authority. And, I fear that he has gotten in to drugs as well. That on top of his mental illness will make it difficult for him. I don’t know if he’ll know how to get the services he needs or if he will want to continue those services. He needs meds and he may not continue to take them as he should. I know that this girl’s mother has no idea what she is getting in to.

He still has not contacted us. He has a history of being charming until rules are enforced that he feels are “unfair”. In his eyes we are the most unfair people he knows. We were supposed to let him do what he wanted, when he wanted, no matter what it was. Sorry, that’s not how we operate. He has tried over and over to negatively influence his brother and sister at home. They are both angry with him and fearful for (and of) him. I was given information to be able to contact him, but I will not do that. I will pray for his safety and hope that someday he will understand why we did the things we did for him.

Thursday and Friday brought new life on the farm.  Kids were born in all their tiny wonderment.  Today brought sadness as a first time calver had problems birthing and the calf passed despite our best efforts.  Fortunately we were home to assist.  Now we can only hope and pray that the cow survives the ordeal and heals properly.  We’ve been raising cattle for about 14 years and we’ve only lost a couple of calves.  It doesn’t get any easier.  We’ve had much worse happen to us, but it still makes me emotional.  I know some people believe that animals don’t have feelings, but I know deep in my heart that they do.  Our other cows were gathering around the cow that was down and in their own way comforting her.  The bull was trying to charge us to protect her and came up to her and rubbed heads with her.  The others lowered their head to hers as if to say, I’m here with you, everything will be ok.  I know it sounds crazy, I guess you had to be there.