Here’s your sign (From Bill Engvall):
1. Before my wife and I moved from Texas to California our house was full of boxes and there was a u-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, “Hey, You moving?” “Nope.” “We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week. Just to see how many boxes it takes.”
“Here’s your sign.”
2. A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass this idiot on the dock goes, “Hey, yall catch all them fish?” Nope. “Talked ‘em into giving up.”
“Here’s your sign.”
3. I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel, there was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. There’s only one way to test that. “Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well allright….hold my sign, I don’t wanna loose it”
4. Last time I was home I was driving around I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of these side-of-the-road gas statioons, the attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, I swear to GOD he went, “Tire go flat?” I couldn’t resist. I said “Nope”. “No I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me.”
“Here’s your sign.”
5. Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I
can’t order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That’s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
“Here’s your sign!”
6. I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, “Are you still here?” I replied, “No, I left about 10 minutes ago.
Here’s your sign.”
7. A couple months ago, I was eating at an Italian restaurant, when a guy at the table next to mine asked the waiter “Is your lasagna good?” The waiter, not missing a chance, said “No sir, it’s tastes like crap but we hope nobody notices.
Here’s your sign.”
8. I got a haircut and went to work a couple days ago. My boss asked me, “You got a haircut?” I said “No, sir, it’s autumn and I’m shedding.
Here’s your sign.”
9. “I was walking my dog the other day and my neighbor saw me and asked, “You walking your dog?” I said, “Nope, I was walking the leash and the dog ran into it.
Heeeeeeere’s your sign.”
10. I came out of the mall one day and I saw a guy parked next to me with a coat hanger in his window…and I could not stop myself. I said, “You lock your keys in your car?” He says “No, I just washed it and I’m hanging it out to dry!”
Here’s your sign.
11. We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house; he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, “Darn that’s hot!” See? If he’d been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
12. The other day I bought a wreath to go on our front door as I was walking out the store a man stopped me and said “hey, are you going to hang that on your door”? I said “no sir, it’s a Christmas toilet seat cover, got the idea from Martha Stewart”
13. I hung those little Christmas lights on my house, you know the kind that blink on and off.My neighbor comes over and says “Bill how do you get those to blink on and off like that”? I said “I’ve got my son inside plugging and unplugging it, plugging and unplugging it.
Here’s your sign
